Behind the Smiles

Until you choose to share your life online, I don’t think you can ever truly appreciate what is happening behind the words that you read or behind the camera. Lately I have been thinking more and more about what goes on away from the glitz and glamour of the blogosphere and how I truly feel.

Take these photos above for instance.

Looking at these you would probably assume that I was hanging out with friends, that I had one of my trusty ‘tribe’ or my poor Instagram Boyfriend behind the lens directing me and taking my photo. But a long time ago I was taught that assuming anything only made an ass out of ‘u’ and ‘me’ and now I never assume anything.

These pictures were taken this week at an even in Leeds by me using the trusty remote control function on the Olympus app for my trusty EPL-7. Unfortunately there was no plus one invite for this one, which I totally get the place was heaving and non of my blogging counterparts were attending.

Thank the lord for technology hey?

I was sat at a table on my own in a room full of people but I felt completely alone and isolated. So you see the photographs don’t always tell the full story.

A few weeks ago I visited Porto for the second time and I shared my whole trip online on Instagram Stories and I vlogged a little bit too, but I never mentioned the internal turmoil that I was going through at the time regarding body image. From the outside life couldn’t be sweeter but in reality I spent one particular evening hating myself.

Why? Because when I look in the mirror, often I don’t see my tiny size 8 frame staring back at me, I see one that is all round and out of shape, one that lacks definition and that disgusts me. I focus on the ghost-like figure staring back at me, the one that looks rundown and a little ruffled and not the one who has just run a 10k, that is preparing for a Half Marathon and starting a new job.

I wish I could snap out of it when I start to hate myself like this but I can’t, it’s a deep rooted issue that I need to learn to overcome and I need to learn to love myself a little more. 

The truth is that blogs and social media in general only show the highlights of peoples lives. I didn’t start blogging to tell people I felt lonely and isolated, I started blogging because I didn’t want to feel that way any longer, I wanted to open doors to new opportunities, to meet new faces and to share my adventures with other people.

And reading other peoples blogs recently I think this is something that we are all becoming a lot more conscious about, yet non of us seem to particularly want to change what we do and you know what that is completely OK because blogging should be something you want to do, not something you feel you should do.

I know that the smiles, the champagne and the canapes will never tell the whole story and for me I guess the first step to getting back on the road to happiness (wow I couldn’t go a post without a cliche could I) is acknowledging that I have issues with myself, to move more, to eat better and to cut the toxicity out of my life that I don’t need… and that could mean people too.

Surround yourself with positive people who reaffirm not only the person that you are but also the person that you aspire to be. You’ll get there and I hope I will too.

What goes on behind your smiles? Let me know below and I’ll catch up with you again soon, until then though x 


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