I Don’t See Me

Do you ever look in the mirror and fell like there’s a different person staring back you? I know I do and I’m pretty certain that we all look very different in reality to the way that we think we look in the mirror.

I’ve always wanted to be someone that I am not; skinny. I honestly don’t believe there is anything wrong with have aesthetic goals, in fact in recent years they have helped me to change my mindset and outlook a little but as someone who rarely sees themselves in the mirror I cannot rely on aesthetic progress alone.

You see I have very distorted view of how I look; some days I think I look too big, some days too small, too old, too haggard … the list of faults is endless and this is how I have always lived my life from a young age. I can remember aged 16 when I should have been concentrating on my GCSE’s I would make sure that I did 100 sit ups a day in my room. By 18 I had discovered exercise videos and dieting and by 21 I had found the self-destruct button, Ben & Jerry’s and fast-food.

In my head I have no body shape at all, I hide myself away in high-waisted Jeans and Trousers, I throw on chunky knitwear as a disguise and rarely anything slinky.

Therefore I cannot be one of these amazing girls who throws out the scales in order to feel liberated, instead I have to weigh myself in order to see that in actually fact I am not the person that I see in the mirror, to see that I have made progress and to rationalise with myself. I would love to be the girl who never knows what she weighs when I asked, but right now I don’t think that will ever be the type of person that I am and I am quite happy to accept that.

I made a comment the other day on Twitter that I need to find my fitness mojo again soon otherwise I will end up looking like a Turkey by Christmas and so I am setting myself those goals again and I am determined that by the time jolly old St. Nick pops down our non-existent chimney in 43 days time, I will have started to feel a little bit better about myself. 

Right now my body-confidence is at an all time low and I need go back to basics and work on myself, by myself, for myself. I wholeheartedly believe that a big part of this battle for me is surrounding myself with the right people – girls like Carly Rowena, Megan Jane Lillie, Sian Ryan, Grace, Chloe Madeley and Cat Meffan (I’m already excited for Yoganuary 2.0).

In truth I know I will never be skinny, that just isn’t my body type butt (excuse the pun) I want to have a butt that is comfortable to sit on (instead of going numb), I want to have a flat stomach (abs would be a bonus but are not a necessity) and I want to feel fit and well as opposed to weak and a little rough around the edges.

So here is my vow to change, to shout a little more when I feel as though I’m struggling inside instead of trying to troop on regardless, to work with what I have blessed with in life and to celebrate the little changes and snippets of progress more as opposed to think ‘yeah but’ all the time.

I know that I will always want to change something about myself (I’m currently debating a change of hair colour again) but I want back to wake up and smile at myself and feel proud of who I am and the changes I have made.

Right now I don’t see me in the mirror, but one day I know I will do.

Do you see yourself in the mirror? Or do you struggle with image & confidence?
Let me know below and I’ll catch up with you again soon, until then though x


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