I wouldn’t wish a lack of self confidence on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. In the past it has seen me shy away from opportunities, situations and events and even though I know what is happening, I feel powerless to do anything about it.
I find it really hard to talk about things like this, to vocalise how I feel. Usually in awkward situations I resort to relying on ‘safe’ topics of conversation with people I know and I know that that frustrates them even more.
So I decided to put it into words in the only way I know how. To write it down for the world to see.
I would love to be that person who just waltzed up to people and started talking to them but that’s not me. I’m the socially awkward person who just stands in the corner hoping to be seen. The girl without a face, the girl who no one would miss.
But I hate being that person and I know it holds me back, that it frustrates those around me and disappoints them. I hate that too. I hate feeling like the disappointment that I am, like I am letting people down all the time because I can’t find my voice, because I can’t find the courage inside to be that person who holds their head up high and says ‘hi I’m Emma’.
I’m pretty certain a psychologist could have a field day with my brain.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t socialise enough as a child, because I was bullied as a teen and decided it was better to be neither seen or heard. Maybe things could have been different if I’d just put myself out there in the firing line a little more. But then would I be me?
But maybe I am just socially awkward, maybe I’m destined to be this way. All I know is that no matter how hard I try I cannot shake this lack of confidence from my being and feel that maybe if I can’t then maybe I’m not worth it.
I was once told that this would hold me back and would prevent me from making something of myself. I tried to prove that person wrong, but maybe they were right all along?
I thrive on situations like this at work, I love meeting new people and learning from them; so if I can be that person in the professional arena, why can’t I be that person out of it? How do I go from being that happy go lucky girl who is eager to make new contacts, who picks up the phone & chats to total strangers for a living to being in a shell I can’t break out of.
I know I’m making progress, I know I’m getting better. Before a recent event it suddenly dawned on me that I wouldn’t know anyone there and at that point I was ready to turn around and head home to hide under the duvet. But I had a word with myself, I pulled myself together and I went in. That night I talked to some fantastic people that I probably would never have spoken to without going, our paths would have probably never crossed again and it was worth those few minutes of panic.
I didn’t embarrass myself, I didn’t fail.
But to anyone who has ever thought that I haven’t made the effort, to anyone who has thought that I am rude or aloof please know that I’m not. That inside I am in knots and I am trying to be that girl, to make new friends & to shake this lack of confidence.
One step forward I feel as though I’ve tried.
Two steps back, I’m alone and I’ve cried.
I’m sorry for not being that person, for not being that girl you expect.
Do you suffer from a lack of confidence or have you in the past? I’d love to hear your stories below and I’ll catch up with you again soon, until then though x
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