Over the past few years I have shied away from one too many opportunities, that in hindsight I massively regret. Why? Often it is because I do not feel deserving, I do not feel as though I am enough.
I’m scared of looking out of place, I’m scared of embarrassing myself and I’m scared of saying yes.
And if I’m honest, I’ve had enough of not feeling enough!
I’ve spent the majority of the last few decades feeling slightly ashamed of myself. I’ve been cripplingly self-conscious about my body and as a result I’ve felt (at times) extremely awkward in my own skin. I’ve often felt too nervous to speak up in social situations (and online), to be true to myself for fear of what other people think of me. I’ve been worried about going out there and getting what I have always wanted out of life and instead I have coasted along with everyone else so that I don’t show myself up.
Although I do still have some epic moments of self-doubt and self-consciousness I have started to learn that I am enough.
Maybe that is part of growing up, of ‘being an adult’, or maybe it is because I have finally found my tribe in life – an epic bunch of women who have the same crippling confidence issues, who also hover over the post button and then click delete instead in case they offend someone or someone calls them out because it doesn’t align with their agenda (not cool Sandra) and who also want to be able to say at the end of the day they chased their dreams and made some a-star friends along the way.
Who knows – but somewhere along the way these past few years I seem to have grown to love my body, to love all that it can do for me. I seem to have accepted that my thoughts, feelings and opinions are just as valid as the next persons, that I can speak up and out against others. That I can be vocal about things that I am most passionate about life!
I’ve learnt that I AM ENOUGH.
I’m not saying that I no longer have negative thoughts or emotions, but I channel these thoughts and emotions into an energy, a fire, that fuels my passions and dreams.
I still battle with my inner monologue on a daily basis, but it’s a battle that I am starting to win. I no longer turn and walk away from awkward conversations if staying means that I stand up for myself and my values in life, social anxiety no longer prevents me from saying yes to new experiences and adventures and I only seek to feel one thing.
That I am enough.
As humans we spend our entire lives seeking the validation of others, we long for someone else to tell us that we are enough – that our bodies are worthy of the clothes we wear, that we are deserving of the opportunities that we get and that our hopes and dreams are just as valid as anyone else’s.
Learning I am enough has been a wonderful experience. Yes it has been hard and there have been some bad times along the way (and one or two tears of frustration) – but at some point I realised that I had a choice. The choice to either spend my life wondering what if and feeling undeserving in many a situation or freeing myself of the opinion of others and realising that I am enough and that I am worthy.
I won’t allow this crippling self-consciousness I have lived with all my life to dull my spark any longer, nor will I beat myself up over missed opportunities to speak up.
I don’t want be the reason I don’t reach my full potential in life.
Instead I will remember that it’s okay to be happy, that it’s okay to be proud of myself and my achievements.
And I will definitely remember that I am enough.